ED'D JOB: THE BLOG OF CHIEF EXECUTIVE EDELBERTHA SPENGLER (draft)
You know the feeling when some much-loved member of the team returns from a very special holiday - you all cluster around looking at her photos and admiring her tan.
Well, I've just come back from Egypt, eager to get back in harness and work with all the wonderful people in OCC again. I couldn't wait. Of course, I was very happy that Kenneth would be an inspired leader while I was away, but I do enjoy being Chief Executive here.
Anyway, in Egypt they have pyramids. You're not allowed to climb up them, but you can see that for some of them it would be a very long way and even quite dangerous because of the slope as you might slip. My other half tells me that in Central America they have stepped pyramids, which must be much easier to climb up.
We have pyramids here in Odanglesex too, though we don't get many tourists coming to see them. Our pyramids are organisational ones. Councillor Waynflete and I are at the top (blush) and I don't really like the idea that I'm standing on Kenneth Spotlesshead's nob but that's how it works, right down to the lowest levels, but of course, unlike with the Egyptian pyramids, the bits of rock at the bottom can make their way right up to the top or nearly.
The Egyptians and the Mayas made their pyramids very high to impress people. In Odanglesex we don't want to impress people. We want to give them a positive customer experience. If the pyramid's very high and steep, it's a long way to the top and there are lots of people monitoring or approving everything and as you move up each level they get paid more. We want a flatter pyramid. That's why we're going through a series of reorganisations, starting with a pilot in Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision. There will be a bit of disruption, but at the end we'll have a flatter, more accessible, more customer-friendly pyramid.
Now here are some of my holiday photos...
FROM: Dorothea Biggs, PA to Chief Executive
TO: Edelbertha Spengler
Ed: I've made three changes if that's OK.
I've deleted the bit about admiring her tan. This is ethnically sensitive. Would "muscles" do instead?
I assume you meant to say you were standing on Kenneth Spotlessnob's head, not the other way around, though I wonder if you want to reconsider the phrase. I mean, your feet are quite big and his head is quite small. It just seems funny to me and not very safe.
I've taken out one of the holiday snaps because of what the fat man was doing in the background.
FROM: Councillor Bill Wayneflete, Leader of the Council
TO: Edelbertha Spengler
Ed: just read your blog. Fascinating as always. Why don't we have more tourists coming to see the pyramids in Odanglesex? Could I have a project plan draft to address this?
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
TO: Neil Balderson, Acting Assistant Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
Neil: In reply to your query left on my answerphone - yes, your interpretation is correct. A flatter pyramid in TESV will be achieved through two transformational changes:
1: The seven DC2s will be assimilated to DC3. The alternative of assimilating to DC1 would be unviable because of the relational implications of the pay reduction involved.
2: The minimum number of employees managed to entitle a manager to line manager status will be increased from three to thirteen.
FROM: Silesia Jones, Equality Consultant
TO: Neil Balderson
Is this for real? As an efficiency measure, I can no longer approve mileage claims or leave or carry out annual appraisal on the three colleagues I manage, despite Equality Excellence being a discrete unit, but must pass all these things to Neil Downing, who has no experience of them?
FROM: Neil Balderson
TO: Silesia Jones
Correct. This helps achieve a flatter organisational pyramid and less bureaucracy.
Concerning the three colleagues and indeed the Equality function: haven't you read page 111 of Kenneth's presentation?
FROM: Stanley Livingstone, President Emeritus, National Association of Micro Businesses, Odanglesex and Sarfebutt Branch
TO: Edelbertha Spengler
My dear Mrs Spengler:
Is it correct what I read in the newspapers, that seven of your extravagantly paid jobsworths have received an entirely unearned pay rise by being "assimilated" to a higher level?
Can they instead be taken out and shot?
FROM: Edelbertha Spengler
TO: Stanley Livingstone
Dear Mr Livingstone,
Thank you for your most helpful letter. I can confirm that the organisational change you refer to is being implemented as part of a package of measures to reduce expenditure and improve the customer experience.
I am grateful for your helpful suggestion, but unfortunately it would be ultra vires.