From time to time in amongst the reposted and revised Odanglesex adventures, I get a new idea. Recently that was the tale of Lord Pond's council credit card. Of course, Odanglesex's Chief Executive, leading from the front, was bound to comment on the affair.
ED'S JOB
The blog of Chief Executive Edelbertha Spengler
Hi!
Are you one of those people who open a credit card statement, whether it's yours or your partner's or your mother's, with just a little fear? Or is is just another chore? Or maybe it's one of those things you just don't get round to doing at all.
I've just had all three of mine and I did feel just a teeny bit worried that someone might have cloned my vital statistics and bought a Caribbean island or even a Government minister from my hard-earned pennies. Cue huge relief. They hadn't. But I was just a bit concerned about £251.79 transferred to someone called Worksop Wonders until I remembered that quick dash to that nice little personal clothing shop at the main station in Birmingham.
Bill Wayneflete and I have just been having a bit of a Worksop moment.
When that chap Lord Pond's council credit card records were routinely published after a Freedom of Information request from Cllr Makepeace (I'm neutral on party political matters, of course, but well, really! Talk about overkill) Bill and I couldn't think how he'd clocked up charges on the card of £1,844.99 at The Fat Chef in Duckworth, Staffordshire. I mean, I distinctly remember I was there myself monitoring expenditure as I do all the time and I spent only £737.06, which hardly gets you past the soup.
Then I remembered! Duckworth! We were there for the annual meeting of the Deep Probe Audit Foundation and I was busy drafting my speech! I distinctly remember spilling a small amount of vanilla and entrail sauce on it. So I really don't know what poor old Lord Pond spent all that money on, but really it's a long time ago and in another country (sorry - county) and it would be good for everyone if we just moved on.
Oh, I nearly forgot. Don't forget to pay your credit card issuer before they land you with interest!
Byeee!
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Monday, 14 January 2013
Thursday, 10 January 2013
Odanglesex Revisited: Green Odanglesex (3)
Concluding, with an amazing twist, the tale of greening Odanglesex - a report with added words for no extra price!!!
FROM: Sam Speed, Emergency Social Work Co-ordinator
TO: Silesia Jones, Equality and Diversity Beacon Consultant
Hi! Have all the kettles disappeared from your kitchen too?
FROM: Silesia Jones
TO: Sam Speed
Yes. It's a bummer. Terry's trying to find out what's happened.
FROM: Sam Speed
TO: Silesia Jones
Especially as I work nights and the water heater is set to go off at 5.
FROM: Hamish Carpenter, Transformational Excellence Manager
TO: Calandra Larkins, Spatial Diversification Officer (Upper)
Don Coggins, Hard Systems Manager (Core)
Colleagues:
People on B11 have been asking what happened overnight to the kettle in our kitchen. It was a new one twelve people clubbed together to buy three weeks ago. We thought it might have been stolen or accidentally taken out and not replaced, but then both Sam Speed in the Emergency Social Work Team and Caradoc MacNab in Finance contacted people in my team because their kettles had vanished. The only information I've been able to get so far is that Dale Brashcon said he understood it was a sub-milestone on the Green Odanglesex Strategy. Calandra - you're our green person, so are you in the know?
FROM: Calandra Larkins
TO: Hamish Carpenter
cc: Don Coggins
This is news to me. Don?
FROM: Don Coggins
TO: Hamish Carpenter
Calandra Larkins
In pursuance of the Green Odanglesex Strategy, Safety Considerations and the Odanglesex Values Statement, all unauthorised hand-held electric water heating devices positioned in O.C.C. kitchens have been removed. A supply of hot water is accessible from the static water heaters situated in each kitchen.
The business case for this intervention is as follows:
1: The non-availability of hand-held electric water heating devices will reduce incidence of personal water heating activity and hence impact on our carbon footprint.
2: The static water heaters are more efficient.
3: A Safety Audit identified hand-held water heating devices as a health and safety risk because of the possibility of hot water product interacting with human extremities.
FROM: Calandra Larkins
TO: Don Coggins
Don: thanks.
As Green Odanglesex Champion (Core), I feel I should have been consulted, or at least warned, about action taken under the heading of the Green Odanglesex Strategy. By the way - is there a sound basis for stating that the static water heaters are more energy efficient? Also - where's our kettle gone? It's not OCC property.
FROM: Don Coggins
TO: All Directors and Heads of Unit
Please cascade the following water technology information. All unauthorised personal hand-held water heating devices seized from O.C.C. kitchens and marked with personal identification may be accessed for recovery at the O.C.C. Business Technology Pool at Ogden Hall (link to map). After this Wednesday they will be transited to the Odanglesex East Central Recycling Facility at Day's Grange for landfill.
FROM: Oliver Oldknoll, Innovatory Best Practice Exemplar Workforce Manager
TO: Anne Hathaway, Internal Finance Systems Development Officer
Anne:
As I hadn't heard anything about another meeting of the Green working group on which we're both champions, I e-mailed Calandra to find out what was going on. The e-mail bounced back. Apparently she's no longer with the council. I tried Chris Van Hummel. He's vanished too. I've e-mailed their boss, Brett, asking who's taken over their roles and had no reply. At least to my knowledge he hasn't vanished, though (forget it). Have you heard anything? Who's picking this up?
FROM: Anne Hathaway
TO: Oliver Oldknoll
No-one, apparently. Rob Methuen did suggest we wait a year or so until the next green initative and then ask again. LOL. I don't think.
EXTRACT FROM THE SPEECH OF EDELBERTHA SPENGLER, CHIEF EXECUTIVE, ODANGLESEX COUNTY COUNCIL, TO THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF EXEMPLAR LEADERS
We are especially proud in Odanglesex with our transformational journey leading into a step change to become a Green County. In the last eighteen months we've embedded a Green Odanglesex Strategy, appointed external and internal Green Odanglesex champions and given our internal work pathways a thorough audit and shake-up through a volunteer Green Odanglesex Working Group. Of course the award of the title of Green Place of the Year was a triumph for all the people who have worked so hard to make our Strategy a reality. More innovatory still was our employee positive message tagging initiative...
FROM: Sam Speed, Emergency Social Work Co-ordinator
TO: Silesia Jones, Equality and Diversity Beacon Consultant
Hi! Have all the kettles disappeared from your kitchen too?
FROM: Silesia Jones
TO: Sam Speed
Yes. It's a bummer. Terry's trying to find out what's happened.
FROM: Sam Speed
TO: Silesia Jones
Especially as I work nights and the water heater is set to go off at 5.
FROM: Hamish Carpenter, Transformational Excellence Manager
TO: Calandra Larkins, Spatial Diversification Officer (Upper)
Don Coggins, Hard Systems Manager (Core)
Colleagues:
People on B11 have been asking what happened overnight to the kettle in our kitchen. It was a new one twelve people clubbed together to buy three weeks ago. We thought it might have been stolen or accidentally taken out and not replaced, but then both Sam Speed in the Emergency Social Work Team and Caradoc MacNab in Finance contacted people in my team because their kettles had vanished. The only information I've been able to get so far is that Dale Brashcon said he understood it was a sub-milestone on the Green Odanglesex Strategy. Calandra - you're our green person, so are you in the know?
FROM: Calandra Larkins
TO: Hamish Carpenter
cc: Don Coggins
This is news to me. Don?
FROM: Don Coggins
TO: Hamish Carpenter
Calandra Larkins
In pursuance of the Green Odanglesex Strategy, Safety Considerations and the Odanglesex Values Statement, all unauthorised hand-held electric water heating devices positioned in O.C.C. kitchens have been removed. A supply of hot water is accessible from the static water heaters situated in each kitchen.
The business case for this intervention is as follows:
1: The non-availability of hand-held electric water heating devices will reduce incidence of personal water heating activity and hence impact on our carbon footprint.
2: The static water heaters are more efficient.
3: A Safety Audit identified hand-held water heating devices as a health and safety risk because of the possibility of hot water product interacting with human extremities.
FROM: Calandra Larkins
TO: Don Coggins
Don: thanks.
As Green Odanglesex Champion (Core), I feel I should have been consulted, or at least warned, about action taken under the heading of the Green Odanglesex Strategy. By the way - is there a sound basis for stating that the static water heaters are more energy efficient? Also - where's our kettle gone? It's not OCC property.
FROM: Don Coggins
TO: All Directors and Heads of Unit
Please cascade the following water technology information. All unauthorised personal hand-held water heating devices seized from O.C.C. kitchens and marked with personal identification may be accessed for recovery at the O.C.C. Business Technology Pool at Ogden Hall (link to map). After this Wednesday they will be transited to the Odanglesex East Central Recycling Facility at Day's Grange for landfill.
FROM: Oliver Oldknoll, Innovatory Best Practice Exemplar Workforce Manager
TO: Anne Hathaway, Internal Finance Systems Development Officer
Anne:
As I hadn't heard anything about another meeting of the Green working group on which we're both champions, I e-mailed Calandra to find out what was going on. The e-mail bounced back. Apparently she's no longer with the council. I tried Chris Van Hummel. He's vanished too. I've e-mailed their boss, Brett, asking who's taken over their roles and had no reply. At least to my knowledge he hasn't vanished, though (forget it). Have you heard anything? Who's picking this up?
FROM: Anne Hathaway
TO: Oliver Oldknoll
No-one, apparently. Rob Methuen did suggest we wait a year or so until the next green initative and then ask again. LOL. I don't think.
EXTRACT FROM THE SPEECH OF EDELBERTHA SPENGLER, CHIEF EXECUTIVE, ODANGLESEX COUNTY COUNCIL, TO THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF EXEMPLAR LEADERS
We are especially proud in Odanglesex with our transformational journey leading into a step change to become a Green County. In the last eighteen months we've embedded a Green Odanglesex Strategy, appointed external and internal Green Odanglesex champions and given our internal work pathways a thorough audit and shake-up through a volunteer Green Odanglesex Working Group. Of course the award of the title of Green Place of the Year was a triumph for all the people who have worked so hard to make our Strategy a reality. More innovatory still was our employee positive message tagging initiative...
Saturday, 5 January 2013
Odanglesex Revisited: Green Odanglesex (2)
Continuing the reposted, improved (hopefully) tale of Odanglesex's aspirational striving to be green.
FROM: Calandra Larkins, Spatial Diversification Officer (Upper)
TO: Reema Narlikar, Hilary Hannah, Rob Methuen, Alex Knollys, Tom Kydd, Chris Marlowe, Anne Hathaway, Frances Hogg, Oliver Oldknoll, Samantha Macgillivray, Chris Van Hummel
Colleagues:
I thought that was a fantastic meeting yesterday! I hope you felt the same. The first analyses of energy use across County Hall will be e-mailed to all employees next week, so please look out for them and in particular any hot-spots which show particular offices or work-stations have items such as printers or monitors left on overnight. The word is diplomacy, though. Fights are energy-intensive.
Sorry this e-mail comes from me apparently with my Spatial Diversification hat on. Internal Comms haven't been able yet to change my title on e-mails to include Green Odanglesex Champion (Core). They did say a new identity could be set up, but then apparently the system would insist on paying me twice.
Roll on the next meeting!
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
TO: Dale Brashcon, Transformational Excellence Champion
Dale: Kelly's pointed out these maps of energy hot-spots to me. I understand a Green Odanglesex Champions' Working Group has been set up with all directorates represented. Who's our rep?
FROM: Dale Brashcon
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob
Kenneth:
Apparently it's Reema Narlikar in Hamish's team.
FROM: Kelly Pattrick, PA to Kenneth Spotlessnob
TO: Reema Narlikar, Transformational Excellence Officer
Reema: Kenneth would like to see you tomorrow at 10 about Green Odanglesex.
FROM: Reema Narlikar
TO: ScottFitz29@nuncio.com.uk
Scottie:
I know you're in Moldova, but if I know u, checking your emails and losing your texts. So here goes. I'm spitting blood and want a shoulder to cry on. Yeah, OK, no-one really wants blood on their shoulder, but on your tshirts it won't show.
You remember I volunteered for TESV's Greek champion. Well, KSnob called me in and pointed out that everyone in the directorate could see on that map that he was leaving his monitor on and the printer in his office was being left on too. Of course, it was nothing to do with any embarrasment he might experience, but wasn't this kind of over-personal information likely to cause trouble? I pointed out that it was the same with all directorates and Calandra was in charge. He said he'd have a word with Brett and Simeon.
He also asked how much time I was giving to this role. I think if I'd said 0.1% of my time he'd have implied that was too much. Of course, he lost the turf battle to get Internally Greening Odanglesex into TESV.
Green, not Greek.
Beam me up Scotty.
COMMA!!!
FROM: Calandra Larkins
TO: Reema Narlikar, Hilary Hannah, Rob Methuen, Alex Knollys, Tom Kydd, Chris Marlowe, Anne Hathaway, Frances Hogg, Oliver Oldknoll, Samantha Macgillivray, Chris Van Hummel
Fellow champs:
Just to let you know that the maps of out-of-hours energy use will now not show individual workstations.
To be concluded...
FROM: Calandra Larkins, Spatial Diversification Officer (Upper)
TO: Reema Narlikar, Hilary Hannah, Rob Methuen, Alex Knollys, Tom Kydd, Chris Marlowe, Anne Hathaway, Frances Hogg, Oliver Oldknoll, Samantha Macgillivray, Chris Van Hummel
Colleagues:
I thought that was a fantastic meeting yesterday! I hope you felt the same. The first analyses of energy use across County Hall will be e-mailed to all employees next week, so please look out for them and in particular any hot-spots which show particular offices or work-stations have items such as printers or monitors left on overnight. The word is diplomacy, though. Fights are energy-intensive.
Sorry this e-mail comes from me apparently with my Spatial Diversification hat on. Internal Comms haven't been able yet to change my title on e-mails to include Green Odanglesex Champion (Core). They did say a new identity could be set up, but then apparently the system would insist on paying me twice.
Roll on the next meeting!
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
TO: Dale Brashcon, Transformational Excellence Champion
Dale: Kelly's pointed out these maps of energy hot-spots to me. I understand a Green Odanglesex Champions' Working Group has been set up with all directorates represented. Who's our rep?
FROM: Dale Brashcon
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob
Kenneth:
Apparently it's Reema Narlikar in Hamish's team.
FROM: Kelly Pattrick, PA to Kenneth Spotlessnob
TO: Reema Narlikar, Transformational Excellence Officer
Reema: Kenneth would like to see you tomorrow at 10 about Green Odanglesex.
FROM: Reema Narlikar
TO: ScottFitz29@nuncio.com.uk
Scottie:
I know you're in Moldova, but if I know u, checking your emails and losing your texts. So here goes. I'm spitting blood and want a shoulder to cry on. Yeah, OK, no-one really wants blood on their shoulder, but on your tshirts it won't show.
You remember I volunteered for TESV's Greek champion. Well, KSnob called me in and pointed out that everyone in the directorate could see on that map that he was leaving his monitor on and the printer in his office was being left on too. Of course, it was nothing to do with any embarrasment he might experience, but wasn't this kind of over-personal information likely to cause trouble? I pointed out that it was the same with all directorates and Calandra was in charge. He said he'd have a word with Brett and Simeon.
He also asked how much time I was giving to this role. I think if I'd said 0.1% of my time he'd have implied that was too much. Of course, he lost the turf battle to get Internally Greening Odanglesex into TESV.
Green, not Greek.
Beam me up Scotty.
COMMA!!!
FROM: Calandra Larkins
TO: Reema Narlikar, Hilary Hannah, Rob Methuen, Alex Knollys, Tom Kydd, Chris Marlowe, Anne Hathaway, Frances Hogg, Oliver Oldknoll, Samantha Macgillivray, Chris Van Hummel
Fellow champs:
Just to let you know that the maps of out-of-hours energy use will now not show individual workstations.
To be concluded...
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
Odangflesex Revisited: Green Odanglesex (1)
Another reposted and improved Odanglesex adventure - this time greening the county!
FROM: Edelbertha Spengler, Chief Executive and Directional Excellence Champion
TO: Simeon Lascelles, Director of Spatial Exploration and Direction Management
Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
cc: Conor O'Connor, Director of Human Resources Development
Hi, both! I thought I should let you know that I've concluded the outward-facing and inward-facing functions of our Green Odanglesex journey should benefit from unified management. This means that both functions will be housed in the same directorate and as we previously agreed that the outward-facing officer should be in SEDM, it follows that the inward-facing function will be there too.
The consequences of this are the creation of one post of Outward-facing Green Odanglesex Champion in SEDM at NOAH(2) and the allocation of an 0.4 fte officer also at NOAH(2) from that directorate to the inward-facing role (to be achieved by internal efficiencies), this officer while acting in this role to be referenced as "Inward-facing Green Odanglesex Champion".
Ed
FROM: Calandra Larkins, Spatial Diversification Officer (Upper)
TO: Brett West, Head of Modernisation and Business Practice
Brett: I was delighted to be given the remit for greening OCC internally and to learn that I'd be working with Chris Van Hummel so that our promotion work with partners and stakeholders will be dancing to the same tune as our internal work. If I can speak personally, it's so much more exciting than that personal waste recycling promotion work I was going to be taking on. You know how committed I am to green causes.
This is to let you know that if that's acceptable, I can start on the new reponsibilities next week - one week early.
FROM: Brett West
TO: Calandra Larkins
Thanks for this, Calandra. Just to note that on reconsideration after a chat with Goneril Hayes, Simeon and I felt that the title of "Inward-facing Green Odanglesex Champion" gave the wrong impression, as OCC is outward-facing and customer-focused at all times. You will therefore be referred to in this role as "Green Odanglesex Champion (Core!)".
FROM: Brett West
TO: Calandra Larkins
That should of course read "(Core)".
FROM: Calandra Larkins
TO: Reema Narlikar, Hilary Hannah, Rob Methuen, Alex Knollys, Tom Kydd, Chris Marlowe, Anne Hathaway, Frances Hogg, Oliver Oldknoll, Samantha Macgillivray, Chris Van Hummel
Fantastic! I had almost no trouble at all getting volunteers to take on being Green Odanglesex Champions. It was a bit harder finding a suitable date, but the most popular was the morning of 3 May, so I've booked the Pond Conference Room for 10-11.30. Look forward to seeing you all! Well, nearly all.
ED'S JOB - THE BLOG OF CHIEF EXECUTIVE EDELBERTHA SPENGLER
Hi again!
Did you have a mother who kept urging you to eat your greens? I did. Now I urge her to do the same.
Eating more vegetables isn't only good for you (unless you eat huge amounts of them already, of course) but also good for the planet because growing vegetables uses up far less energy than growing meat. I thought I'd point that out because we're now making a major push to relaunch our Green Odanglesex Strategy and everyone should be thinking about how to contribute to greening the planet and in particular Odanglesex. Our aspiration is to be the greenest county in England.
If you have any bright ideas, please drop a line to Calandra Larkins, our new Geeen Odanglesex Champion (Core)!
Meanwhile I'll be making sure I re-use ALL my shoes!
Bye for now!
Ed
(The Green Odanglesex Strategy should just be plain sailing now, shouldn't it? To be continued)
FROM: Edelbertha Spengler, Chief Executive and Directional Excellence Champion
TO: Simeon Lascelles, Director of Spatial Exploration and Direction Management
Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
cc: Conor O'Connor, Director of Human Resources Development
Hi, both! I thought I should let you know that I've concluded the outward-facing and inward-facing functions of our Green Odanglesex journey should benefit from unified management. This means that both functions will be housed in the same directorate and as we previously agreed that the outward-facing officer should be in SEDM, it follows that the inward-facing function will be there too.
The consequences of this are the creation of one post of Outward-facing Green Odanglesex Champion in SEDM at NOAH(2) and the allocation of an 0.4 fte officer also at NOAH(2) from that directorate to the inward-facing role (to be achieved by internal efficiencies), this officer while acting in this role to be referenced as "Inward-facing Green Odanglesex Champion".
Ed
FROM: Calandra Larkins, Spatial Diversification Officer (Upper)
TO: Brett West, Head of Modernisation and Business Practice
Brett: I was delighted to be given the remit for greening OCC internally and to learn that I'd be working with Chris Van Hummel so that our promotion work with partners and stakeholders will be dancing to the same tune as our internal work. If I can speak personally, it's so much more exciting than that personal waste recycling promotion work I was going to be taking on. You know how committed I am to green causes.
This is to let you know that if that's acceptable, I can start on the new reponsibilities next week - one week early.
FROM: Brett West
TO: Calandra Larkins
Thanks for this, Calandra. Just to note that on reconsideration after a chat with Goneril Hayes, Simeon and I felt that the title of "Inward-facing Green Odanglesex Champion" gave the wrong impression, as OCC is outward-facing and customer-focused at all times. You will therefore be referred to in this role as "Green Odanglesex Champion (Core!)".
FROM: Brett West
TO: Calandra Larkins
That should of course read "(Core)".
FROM: Calandra Larkins
TO: Reema Narlikar, Hilary Hannah, Rob Methuen, Alex Knollys, Tom Kydd, Chris Marlowe, Anne Hathaway, Frances Hogg, Oliver Oldknoll, Samantha Macgillivray, Chris Van Hummel
Fantastic! I had almost no trouble at all getting volunteers to take on being Green Odanglesex Champions. It was a bit harder finding a suitable date, but the most popular was the morning of 3 May, so I've booked the Pond Conference Room for 10-11.30. Look forward to seeing you all! Well, nearly all.
ED'S JOB - THE BLOG OF CHIEF EXECUTIVE EDELBERTHA SPENGLER
Hi again!
Did you have a mother who kept urging you to eat your greens? I did. Now I urge her to do the same.
Eating more vegetables isn't only good for you (unless you eat huge amounts of them already, of course) but also good for the planet because growing vegetables uses up far less energy than growing meat. I thought I'd point that out because we're now making a major push to relaunch our Green Odanglesex Strategy and everyone should be thinking about how to contribute to greening the planet and in particular Odanglesex. Our aspiration is to be the greenest county in England.
If you have any bright ideas, please drop a line to Calandra Larkins, our new Geeen Odanglesex Champion (Core)!
Meanwhile I'll be making sure I re-use ALL my shoes!
Bye for now!
Ed
(The Green Odanglesex Strategy should just be plain sailing now, shouldn't it? To be continued)
Saturday, 29 December 2012
Odanglesex Revisited: The Agile Stationery Strategy (6)
So back to reposting old Odanglesex adventures with a few improvements - here the long-running saga of rationaising stationery processes.
ED'S JOB - the blog of Chief Executive Edelbertha Spengler
Hello again! Isn't it marvellous to see all the flowers coming out? It's Spring!!!
When we think of Spring, of course all sorts of things come to mind - lambs, flowers, birds, greenery, summer clothes, finalising accounts and spring cleaning.
Sometimes we collect loads of stuff we don't really need. For example, a recent check of OCC internet activity showed that some employees were registered with seven or more jobsearch sites! When my old grandma, bless her, died, we found her cupboard stacked with 1,823 empty yoghurt pots, and she didn't even eat yoghurt.
My teenage daughter doesn't really "get" spring cleaning, tidying or throwing unimportant things away. So her room is a mountain of stuff and before long if we don't step in she'll be trapped in there, let alone unable to find things she needs in a hurry, though I've no idea what those could be. What's more, she collects stuff that IS useful and forgets and buys more of them and then can't find them.
It's the same with us at work. You've probably seen that we've placed a stop on most stationery orders until we reduce our overstocking without getting into understocking. We need stocking that just fits. Everything should be accessible. So get out there and make use of all that stationery that's mouldering in your offices!
Now I'm just going to write a note to myself on that notepad I found at the bottom of one of my drawers...
FROM: Neil Balderson, Senior Transformational Excellence Manager
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
Kenneth:
I really would like to report that I've been able to make progress with the business case for the winding up of the Bank of Odanglesex Lord Pond Commemorative Fund, but I'm being distracted by complaints from junior officers about the stationery situation. It seems that some of them still make use of biros and staplers, and also that mouse mats and other computer accessories are categorised as stationery, along with printer cartridges. Hamish Carpenter has attempted to second-guess the A4Page analysis of our stationery reserves and he claims that at least three-quarters of them consist of items hardly now used if at all, such as bottles of tippex, indiarubbers and even tracing paper.
Would it be acceptable just to dump some of this stuff and then request a reassessment of our reserves?
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob
TO: Neil Balderson
Sorry, Neil, your ingenious suggestion is against our Business Procedures Manual and also our Green Odanglesex Charter.
FROM: Magog Jones, Director of Transportation and Settlement
TO: Germaine Custer, Director of Children Transformation
O.K. Gerry, it's a deal. 1,500 boxes of standard size staples for thirteen packets of A3 copier paper with one magnifying glass thrown in.
FROM: Kay Farmer, Head of Member Services
TO: Edelbertha Spengler
Ed:
Given the absence of notebooks and of recording devices, do you think members will notice if the Oversight of Garden Walls and Hedges meeting isn't minuted for a few months?
ED'S JOB - the blog of Chief Executive Edelbertha Spengler
Hello again! Isn't it marvellous to see all the flowers coming out? It's Spring!!!
When we think of Spring, of course all sorts of things come to mind - lambs, flowers, birds, greenery, summer clothes, finalising accounts and spring cleaning.
Sometimes we collect loads of stuff we don't really need. For example, a recent check of OCC internet activity showed that some employees were registered with seven or more jobsearch sites! When my old grandma, bless her, died, we found her cupboard stacked with 1,823 empty yoghurt pots, and she didn't even eat yoghurt.
My teenage daughter doesn't really "get" spring cleaning, tidying or throwing unimportant things away. So her room is a mountain of stuff and before long if we don't step in she'll be trapped in there, let alone unable to find things she needs in a hurry, though I've no idea what those could be. What's more, she collects stuff that IS useful and forgets and buys more of them and then can't find them.
It's the same with us at work. You've probably seen that we've placed a stop on most stationery orders until we reduce our overstocking without getting into understocking. We need stocking that just fits. Everything should be accessible. So get out there and make use of all that stationery that's mouldering in your offices!
Now I'm just going to write a note to myself on that notepad I found at the bottom of one of my drawers...
FROM: Neil Balderson, Senior Transformational Excellence Manager
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
Kenneth:
I really would like to report that I've been able to make progress with the business case for the winding up of the Bank of Odanglesex Lord Pond Commemorative Fund, but I'm being distracted by complaints from junior officers about the stationery situation. It seems that some of them still make use of biros and staplers, and also that mouse mats and other computer accessories are categorised as stationery, along with printer cartridges. Hamish Carpenter has attempted to second-guess the A4Page analysis of our stationery reserves and he claims that at least three-quarters of them consist of items hardly now used if at all, such as bottles of tippex, indiarubbers and even tracing paper.
Would it be acceptable just to dump some of this stuff and then request a reassessment of our reserves?
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob
TO: Neil Balderson
Sorry, Neil, your ingenious suggestion is against our Business Procedures Manual and also our Green Odanglesex Charter.
FROM: Magog Jones, Director of Transportation and Settlement
TO: Germaine Custer, Director of Children Transformation
O.K. Gerry, it's a deal. 1,500 boxes of standard size staples for thirteen packets of A3 copier paper with one magnifying glass thrown in.
FROM: Kay Farmer, Head of Member Services
TO: Edelbertha Spengler
Ed:
Given the absence of notebooks and of recording devices, do you think members will notice if the Oversight of Garden Walls and Hedges meeting isn't minuted for a few months?
Wednesday, 26 December 2012
The Odanglesex Chronicles: Lord Pond's Credit Card
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence, Strategic Vision and Directional Signposting
TO: Edelbertha Spengler, OBN, Chief Executive
Ed:
Just to alert you that a Right to Know request has come in from Cllr Makepeace of the Undrezing First group on the Council for a full breakdown of Cllr Pond's expenses on his OCC credit card while he was Leader. I've had one of my people conducting an overview of the available information and there may be one or two items that could give the wrong impression.
Kenneth.
FROM: Edelbertha Spengler
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob.
Thanks, Kenneth. Like what?
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob
TO; Edelbertha Spengler
Like, unfortunately, to cynical people, that he might have been funding from public money expenses which were not fully justified in the public interest.
FROM: Edelbertha Spengler
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob
No, which items might be questioned?
FROM: Edelbertha Spengler
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob
Kenneth - many thanks for coming to see me in response to my request. I agree the visit to Bali with eight friends seems a bit borderline. Is Bali doing anything particularly exciting and innovative in local government? Perhaps you could put a policy officer or two on to this.
As for the golf course, I can see this being criticised, but we had the advice of the Council's Health at Work Advisor and the Head of Emergency Planning and Rational Decision-making under Abnormal Circumstances. The former advised that the health of the Leader would suffer if he could not play golf regularly and the latter advised that as the Leader of such a large and high-profile authority might well be a terrorist target, the only way of him playing golf safely was to buy him his own golf course. I am informed that we are now taking steps to open the course to the general public on appropriate payment being made.
No, I don't think it's necessary to commission any research on Cllr Makepeace. Bill Wayneflete says he knows him rather well.
Ed.
SOON ED WILL TALK ABOUT THIS ON HER BLOG FOR ALL COUNCIL EMPLOYEES...
TO: Edelbertha Spengler, OBN, Chief Executive
Ed:
Just to alert you that a Right to Know request has come in from Cllr Makepeace of the Undrezing First group on the Council for a full breakdown of Cllr Pond's expenses on his OCC credit card while he was Leader. I've had one of my people conducting an overview of the available information and there may be one or two items that could give the wrong impression.
Kenneth.
FROM: Edelbertha Spengler
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob.
Thanks, Kenneth. Like what?
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob
TO; Edelbertha Spengler
Like, unfortunately, to cynical people, that he might have been funding from public money expenses which were not fully justified in the public interest.
FROM: Edelbertha Spengler
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob
No, which items might be questioned?
FROM: Edelbertha Spengler
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob
Kenneth - many thanks for coming to see me in response to my request. I agree the visit to Bali with eight friends seems a bit borderline. Is Bali doing anything particularly exciting and innovative in local government? Perhaps you could put a policy officer or two on to this.
As for the golf course, I can see this being criticised, but we had the advice of the Council's Health at Work Advisor and the Head of Emergency Planning and Rational Decision-making under Abnormal Circumstances. The former advised that the health of the Leader would suffer if he could not play golf regularly and the latter advised that as the Leader of such a large and high-profile authority might well be a terrorist target, the only way of him playing golf safely was to buy him his own golf course. I am informed that we are now taking steps to open the course to the general public on appropriate payment being made.
No, I don't think it's necessary to commission any research on Cllr Makepeace. Bill Wayneflete says he knows him rather well.
Ed.
SOON ED WILL TALK ABOUT THIS ON HER BLOG FOR ALL COUNCIL EMPLOYEES...
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
Odanglesex Revisited: The Agile Stationery Strategy (5)
The paper trail goes on...
FROM: Brett West, Head of Modernisation and Business Practice
TO: All Directors and Heads of Service
The implementation of the Agile Stationery Strategy has been impressive and with 93% of ordering officers now trained by Piers, Gaveston, Edwards, the small teething problems over ordering should now be a thing of the past. However, the next quantum leap is to change the nature of our relationship with stationery. On our transformational journey towards the paperless office, OCC should have far less need of hard copy stationery.
Early indications are that our expenditure on stationery is some 62% above what an agile modern organisation of our size should need. Moreover, as some units have been complaining that they are unable to execute orders, overcoming these technical blips will mean expenditure on stationery orders strays further from the optimum. An admittedly impressionistic impression is that stationery reserves are still more extensive than we need, indicating some orders are unnecessary and that valuable space is being employed in a suboptimal fashion. Consequently consultants commissioned from A4Page will be visiting offices during the next five weeks to scope the size of stationery reserves in all directorates.
FROM: Hamish Carpenter, Senior Transformational Excellence Officer
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
Kenneth:
Yesterday Mike and Reema came into the office and found a man with a visitor badge apparently stealing stationery. They blocked his exit and called security who arrived and summoned the police. The police have now informed us the man worked for A4Page and was employed to check stationery reserves. I subsequently had a rather unpleasant call from Brett West saying I should have knowwn about this and we've undermined the positive and aspirational partnership relationship with A4Page.
I dodn't know we had a relationship with them or that a stationery check was in process. Is that correct?
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob
TO: All Transformational Excellencew and Strategic Vision
Colleagues:
I thought you should know about the spot checks described by Brett West in the attached memo. This is a milepost on our Agile Stationery Strategy journey.
FROM: Brett West
TO: All Directors and Heads of Unit
Following the checks carried out for us by A4Page, it has become clear that current stationery reserves in all Directorates and Enhanced Capability Units except Chief Executive's exceed levels set in the Agile Stationery Strategy by 29 - 104%. Ed has therefore agreed to place a stop on all stationery orders for the next six months except for Chief Executive's and Member Services.
to be continued and concluded...
FROM: Brett West, Head of Modernisation and Business Practice
TO: All Directors and Heads of Service
The implementation of the Agile Stationery Strategy has been impressive and with 93% of ordering officers now trained by Piers, Gaveston, Edwards, the small teething problems over ordering should now be a thing of the past. However, the next quantum leap is to change the nature of our relationship with stationery. On our transformational journey towards the paperless office, OCC should have far less need of hard copy stationery.
Early indications are that our expenditure on stationery is some 62% above what an agile modern organisation of our size should need. Moreover, as some units have been complaining that they are unable to execute orders, overcoming these technical blips will mean expenditure on stationery orders strays further from the optimum. An admittedly impressionistic impression is that stationery reserves are still more extensive than we need, indicating some orders are unnecessary and that valuable space is being employed in a suboptimal fashion. Consequently consultants commissioned from A4Page will be visiting offices during the next five weeks to scope the size of stationery reserves in all directorates.
FROM: Hamish Carpenter, Senior Transformational Excellence Officer
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
Kenneth:
Yesterday Mike and Reema came into the office and found a man with a visitor badge apparently stealing stationery. They blocked his exit and called security who arrived and summoned the police. The police have now informed us the man worked for A4Page and was employed to check stationery reserves. I subsequently had a rather unpleasant call from Brett West saying I should have knowwn about this and we've undermined the positive and aspirational partnership relationship with A4Page.
I dodn't know we had a relationship with them or that a stationery check was in process. Is that correct?
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob
TO: All Transformational Excellencew and Strategic Vision
Colleagues:
I thought you should know about the spot checks described by Brett West in the attached memo. This is a milepost on our Agile Stationery Strategy journey.
FROM: Brett West
TO: All Directors and Heads of Unit
Following the checks carried out for us by A4Page, it has become clear that current stationery reserves in all Directorates and Enhanced Capability Units except Chief Executive's exceed levels set in the Agile Stationery Strategy by 29 - 104%. Ed has therefore agreed to place a stop on all stationery orders for the next six months except for Chief Executive's and Member Services.
to be continued and concluded...
Saturday, 15 December 2012
Odanglesex Revisited: The Agile Stationery Strategy (4)
Onwards and upwards with Odanglesex's transformation of its stationery operation. As usual, this is a repost with one or two changes (one change, in fact).
FROM: Conor O'Connor, Director of Human Resources Development
TO: Brett West, Head of Modernisation and Business Practice
Brett -
It was unfortunate that the last module of the Supersmart ordering training could not be delivered because the Supersmart order for the training from Piers, Gaveston, Edwards had not been completed. I'm afraid the failure was in our Directorate, so we'll hold our hands up. Verity Casement and Martin House can be booked as they achieved an above average satisfaction rating on the feedback forms, but unfortunately booking them on a once-off basis will be more expensive. Please cascade.
FROM: Conor O'Connor
TO: Lisa Contractor, PA to Conor O'Connor
Lisa:
I messed up that Supersmart order. Could you be at my shoulder when I do it next?
SENT FROM MY BLACKBERRY
FROM: Naomi McNeish, Children's Team Co-ordinator (Mid-West)
TO: Maori Sheepshed, Assistant Director of Children's Services (Children)
Maori:
We're out of postits. We're out of biros except for green ones. We're out of highlighters. We're out of A4 for the printer and photocopier and as you appreciate, some documentation is still not accepted unless in hard copy form. Supersmart insists I don't exist and I'm beginning to believe it. As I'm the budget holder no-one else can order this stuff and we're now at a point that Mid-West cannot function properly.
Can you help?
FROM: Maori Sheepshed
TO: All Children's Team Co-ordinators
Please note that from 28th April for an experimental four months, Mid-West and Far West's infrastructure services will operate as a single unit. This should deliver efficiency gains. There are at present no staffing implications.
FROM: Magog Jones, Director of Transportation and Settlement
TO: Simeon Lascelles, Director of Spatial Exploration and Direction Management
Simeon:
In the whole of T&S, I am reliably told, there is not a single staple other than those already inserted in sheets of paper. Some officers are even resorting to extracting the used staples and trying to reuse them. We have, however, a surfeit of mouse-mats (the computer sort, I assume) following the latest round of redundancies.
One of my spies was recently in your core team's office and observed copious supplies of packets of staples. I understand you're taking on five new staff. Could we exchange some of your staples for our mouse-mats?
FROM: SIMEON LASCELLES
TO: MAGOG JONES
Magog:
In principle, yes. However, we have a problem in that the staples ordered do not fit any staplers in our office. Do you have any X33U2 staplers?
This one will run and run...
FROM: Conor O'Connor, Director of Human Resources Development
TO: Brett West, Head of Modernisation and Business Practice
Brett -
It was unfortunate that the last module of the Supersmart ordering training could not be delivered because the Supersmart order for the training from Piers, Gaveston, Edwards had not been completed. I'm afraid the failure was in our Directorate, so we'll hold our hands up. Verity Casement and Martin House can be booked as they achieved an above average satisfaction rating on the feedback forms, but unfortunately booking them on a once-off basis will be more expensive. Please cascade.
FROM: Conor O'Connor
TO: Lisa Contractor, PA to Conor O'Connor
Lisa:
I messed up that Supersmart order. Could you be at my shoulder when I do it next?
SENT FROM MY BLACKBERRY
FROM: Naomi McNeish, Children's Team Co-ordinator (Mid-West)
TO: Maori Sheepshed, Assistant Director of Children's Services (Children)
Maori:
We're out of postits. We're out of biros except for green ones. We're out of highlighters. We're out of A4 for the printer and photocopier and as you appreciate, some documentation is still not accepted unless in hard copy form. Supersmart insists I don't exist and I'm beginning to believe it. As I'm the budget holder no-one else can order this stuff and we're now at a point that Mid-West cannot function properly.
Can you help?
FROM: Maori Sheepshed
TO: All Children's Team Co-ordinators
Please note that from 28th April for an experimental four months, Mid-West and Far West's infrastructure services will operate as a single unit. This should deliver efficiency gains. There are at present no staffing implications.
FROM: Magog Jones, Director of Transportation and Settlement
TO: Simeon Lascelles, Director of Spatial Exploration and Direction Management
Simeon:
In the whole of T&S, I am reliably told, there is not a single staple other than those already inserted in sheets of paper. Some officers are even resorting to extracting the used staples and trying to reuse them. We have, however, a surfeit of mouse-mats (the computer sort, I assume) following the latest round of redundancies.
One of my spies was recently in your core team's office and observed copious supplies of packets of staples. I understand you're taking on five new staff. Could we exchange some of your staples for our mouse-mats?
FROM: SIMEON LASCELLES
TO: MAGOG JONES
Magog:
In principle, yes. However, we have a problem in that the staples ordered do not fit any staplers in our office. Do you have any X33U2 staplers?
This one will run and run...
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
Odanglesex Revisited: The Agile Stationery Strategy (3)
Odanglesex continues to fast-track its stationery operations into the 21st century with some slight hitches, and I repeat the old posts with a few changes.
FROM: Rob Methuen, Business Transformation Consultant
TO: Brett West, Head of Modernisation and Business Practice
cc: Goneril Hayes, Head of Information Management
Brett:
You asked me to report on progress towards the total enablement target for Supersmart engagement, and in particular its contribution to the Agile Stationery Strategy.
There's good news and bad news.
The good news is that one module of the enablement target has been hit. Since there are no admin officers left except those directly attached to Directors, 94.4% of Supersmart orders are now committed by the responsible officers, exceeding the target of 90% comfortably.
The bad news is that there have been a number of teething problems with officers not yet fully proficient in Supersmart. The "urban myth" you referred to, that a Head of Service had ordered 7,000 sandwiches instead of 7,000 hours of consultancy time, is sadly correct. It should, however, be noted that the sandwiches were considerably cheaper than the consultants. There have also been a number of complaints from officers who had not appreciated the need for security reasons to change their passwords every four days and are consequently being locked out and deleted. Senior officers are complaining that they are taking far longer to execute an order than the admin officers did, and Magog Jones has calculated that as he's paid five times more than the admin officer was and he's taking approximately three times as long to execute the order, the new system is fifteen times more expensive than the old.
I calculate that it cost the council £529:16.8 for Magog to make that calculation and have drawn his attention to this.
The above has led to a further distortion. As a minority of officers are in fact proficient in Supersmart, some units are indulging in financial sleight of hand so a competent officer can make orders for others, or are even giving that officer their passwords so he or she can impersonate them on the system.
One further issue was brought to my attention. I mention it here though it's not properly within my remit. Three officers who required small items were disappointed that the approved suppliers' prices on Supersmart exceeded the prices in WH Smith by up to 34%, and argued for discretion to buy.
FROM: Brett West
TO: Rob Methuen
cc: Goneril Hayes
Thanks, Rob. Teething problems are to be expected. Our procurement arrangements through Supersmart are devised to maximise value for money, so no departures can be permitted. It is disappointing that some officers do not appreciate the need for security. The perfomance on Supersmart of some senior officers is also disappointing. I will be speaking to Conor and Ed about whether this can be made a criterion within Advanced Performance Evaluation and also about addressing these shortcomings through training.
Where did the sandwiches go?
FROM: Conor O'Connor
TO: All Directors and Heads of Service
Colleagues:
In order to make the next step change towards implementation of our Agile Stationery Strategy and the concomitent Agile Services Strategy, Agile Premises Strategy and Agile Consultants Strategy, all officers on Supersmart are required to attend two-day Supersmart ordering training commencing 1 April. The training will start with the most senior officers below Director level and proceed downwards over the life of the programme.
The nomination form is attached. I stress that no exceptions will be allowed.
FROM: Reema Narlikar, Transformational Excellence Officer
TO: Scott Fitzwilliam, Transformational Excellence Officer
FROM MY BLACKBERRY
Scotty:
What's this rumour that Brett West was seen selling sandwiches???
FROM: Rob Methuen, Business Transformation Consultant
TO: Brett West, Head of Modernisation and Business Practice
cc: Goneril Hayes, Head of Information Management
Brett:
You asked me to report on progress towards the total enablement target for Supersmart engagement, and in particular its contribution to the Agile Stationery Strategy.
There's good news and bad news.
The good news is that one module of the enablement target has been hit. Since there are no admin officers left except those directly attached to Directors, 94.4% of Supersmart orders are now committed by the responsible officers, exceeding the target of 90% comfortably.
The bad news is that there have been a number of teething problems with officers not yet fully proficient in Supersmart. The "urban myth" you referred to, that a Head of Service had ordered 7,000 sandwiches instead of 7,000 hours of consultancy time, is sadly correct. It should, however, be noted that the sandwiches were considerably cheaper than the consultants. There have also been a number of complaints from officers who had not appreciated the need for security reasons to change their passwords every four days and are consequently being locked out and deleted. Senior officers are complaining that they are taking far longer to execute an order than the admin officers did, and Magog Jones has calculated that as he's paid five times more than the admin officer was and he's taking approximately three times as long to execute the order, the new system is fifteen times more expensive than the old.
I calculate that it cost the council £529:16.8 for Magog to make that calculation and have drawn his attention to this.
The above has led to a further distortion. As a minority of officers are in fact proficient in Supersmart, some units are indulging in financial sleight of hand so a competent officer can make orders for others, or are even giving that officer their passwords so he or she can impersonate them on the system.
One further issue was brought to my attention. I mention it here though it's not properly within my remit. Three officers who required small items were disappointed that the approved suppliers' prices on Supersmart exceeded the prices in WH Smith by up to 34%, and argued for discretion to buy.
FROM: Brett West
TO: Rob Methuen
cc: Goneril Hayes
Thanks, Rob. Teething problems are to be expected. Our procurement arrangements through Supersmart are devised to maximise value for money, so no departures can be permitted. It is disappointing that some officers do not appreciate the need for security. The perfomance on Supersmart of some senior officers is also disappointing. I will be speaking to Conor and Ed about whether this can be made a criterion within Advanced Performance Evaluation and also about addressing these shortcomings through training.
Where did the sandwiches go?
FROM: Conor O'Connor
TO: All Directors and Heads of Service
Colleagues:
In order to make the next step change towards implementation of our Agile Stationery Strategy and the concomitent Agile Services Strategy, Agile Premises Strategy and Agile Consultants Strategy, all officers on Supersmart are required to attend two-day Supersmart ordering training commencing 1 April. The training will start with the most senior officers below Director level and proceed downwards over the life of the programme.
The nomination form is attached. I stress that no exceptions will be allowed.
FROM: Reema Narlikar, Transformational Excellence Officer
TO: Scott Fitzwilliam, Transformational Excellence Officer
FROM MY BLACKBERRY
Scotty:
What's this rumour that Brett West was seen selling sandwiches???
Friday, 7 December 2012
Wisdom must reckon on the unforseen
The above paradox is quoted by G.K. Chesterton in the very first of the Father Brown detective stories and attributed to (Edgar Allen) Poe. There was another American who talked about known knowns, known unknowns, unknown knowns and unknown unknowns. I actually think his formulation was quite neat, unlike his legacy.
Poe was right.
Occasionally in this blog I depart from questions of political philosophy and suchlike to talk about something serious - birdwatching. A few days ago I went on a longish walk along our local river, the Stour, which for much of its course forms the Essex/Suffolk border. I was in the attractive area known as Dedham Vale, crossing damp meadows by a path close to the river, and was due a stop for coffee and sandwich. I found a suitable just-about-fallen willow and sat down. There were large black-and-white (Frisian?) cows nearby. As I ate and drank, one cow approached close. I guarded my food. I did not think there was any point in guarding the other things I'd put down. Putting the sandwich box away, I looked up to see the cow making off with my binoculars dangling from its mouth by the strap. As the river was close, a disaster was possible.
Fortunately my yell caused the cow to drop the binoculars, and on grass, not in the water.
Never underestimate cows.
Poe was right.
Occasionally in this blog I depart from questions of political philosophy and suchlike to talk about something serious - birdwatching. A few days ago I went on a longish walk along our local river, the Stour, which for much of its course forms the Essex/Suffolk border. I was in the attractive area known as Dedham Vale, crossing damp meadows by a path close to the river, and was due a stop for coffee and sandwich. I found a suitable just-about-fallen willow and sat down. There were large black-and-white (Frisian?) cows nearby. As I ate and drank, one cow approached close. I guarded my food. I did not think there was any point in guarding the other things I'd put down. Putting the sandwich box away, I looked up to see the cow making off with my binoculars dangling from its mouth by the strap. As the river was close, a disaster was possible.
Fortunately my yell caused the cow to drop the binoculars, and on grass, not in the water.
Never underestimate cows.
Monday, 3 December 2012
Odanglesex Revisited: The Agile Stationery Strategy (2)
On with Odanglesex's state-of-the-art stationery ordering, another reposted and tweaked Odanglesex adventure, the second in the series on moving stationery into the 21st century through innovative direction management.
FROM:Dale Brashcon, Transformational Excellence Champion
TO: Douglas Black, Performance Networking Consultant
cc: Albert Doxe, Transit Facility Manager
No, Douglas, I didn't order 200 barrels of cleaning fluid through Supersmart. I ordered 200 black biros.
FROM: Douglas Black
TO: Dale Brashcon
Dale:
The Supersmart code is definitely for barrels of cleaning fluid and the supplier will enforce payment. Albert is asking where we should put them as he understands he is about to have to find space for a large number of cocks removed from offices under our time management initiative.
FROM: Douglas Black
Douglas Black wishes to recall this message.
FROM: Douglas Black
TO: Dale Brashcon
Sorry, clocks.
FROM: Dale Brashcon
TO: Douglas Black
Douglas:
Henry Donaldson in Hamish's team tells me he knows a man. I'm not sure if his wife is aware of this (JOKE!!!). Anyway, I'll sign off the payment as I have no alternative and this guy Daley Arthur will collect them.
FROM: Douglas Black
TO: Dale Brashcon
Dale:
Unless Daley Arthur is a registered beneficiary or partnership collaborator under IAMS(QV16), Albert won't release the barrels to him. It's in standing orders.
FROM: Dale Brashcon
TO: Brett West, Head of Modernisation and Business Practice
Brett -
Could you get your guys to fast-track the attached registration form for Daley Arthur Enterprises? This is an essential strategic milepost in the time management initiative.
Many thanks
Dale
FROM:Dale Brashcon, Transformational Excellence Champion
TO: Douglas Black, Performance Networking Consultant
cc: Albert Doxe, Transit Facility Manager
No, Douglas, I didn't order 200 barrels of cleaning fluid through Supersmart. I ordered 200 black biros.
FROM: Douglas Black
TO: Dale Brashcon
Dale:
The Supersmart code is definitely for barrels of cleaning fluid and the supplier will enforce payment. Albert is asking where we should put them as he understands he is about to have to find space for a large number of cocks removed from offices under our time management initiative.
FROM: Douglas Black
Douglas Black wishes to recall this message.
FROM: Douglas Black
TO: Dale Brashcon
Sorry, clocks.
FROM: Dale Brashcon
TO: Douglas Black
Douglas:
Henry Donaldson in Hamish's team tells me he knows a man. I'm not sure if his wife is aware of this (JOKE!!!). Anyway, I'll sign off the payment as I have no alternative and this guy Daley Arthur will collect them.
FROM: Douglas Black
TO: Dale Brashcon
Dale:
Unless Daley Arthur is a registered beneficiary or partnership collaborator under IAMS(QV16), Albert won't release the barrels to him. It's in standing orders.
FROM: Dale Brashcon
TO: Brett West, Head of Modernisation and Business Practice
Brett -
Could you get your guys to fast-track the attached registration form for Daley Arthur Enterprises? This is an essential strategic milepost in the time management initiative.
Many thanks
Dale
Friday, 30 November 2012
Odanglesex Revisited: The Agile Stationery Strategy (1)
More reposted Odanglesex adventures with a few tweaks
FROM: Conor O'Connor, Director of Human Resources Development
TO: All Directors
Colleagues:
In order to implement the next step change in our transformational journey to a lean, multicapablity business, the internal review of administrative support has concluded that OCC can save at least 250K by abolishing all admin posts except for those attached to Directors. As officers become more agile and adept at multi-tasking, the traditional admin support role is increasingly redundant, which is what we're making them.
The step change footfall date is 31.3.2012.
FROM: Brett West, Head of Modernisation and Business Practice
TO: All Directors and Heads of Unit
cc: Goneril Hayes, Head of Information Management
In line with Conor's e-mail about the transformation of administrative officers, and with the Agile Stationary Strategy, Directors and Heads of Unit should be aware that from 23.3.2012 it will be incumbent on all directorates and units to manage procurement of all items without support of dedicated admin officers. Since nearly 20% of officers are already registered as Procurers with Supersmart, transiting should not be onerous. However, I draw your attention, for trickle-down, to the Supersmart Procurer Registration procedure and guidance briefing, both available under Business Services on the Infranet.
FROM: Hamish Carpenter, Transformational Excellence Manager
TO: Brett West
Brett:
Stationery, I think?
FROM: Dale Brashcon
TO: All Transformational Excellence
Wow! New challenges come thick and fast! Isn't it FUN!
The latest is making ourselves all experts in Supersmart so we can all order pens and conference rooms and sandwiches and consultancy work - if we need them, of course!
Lucy Leaman has come up with an especially exciting idea which I'm sure will have you all on the edge of your seats (if you still have seats - JOKE!) and it's this: we have a competition in Transformational Excellence to see who can become proficient at all levels of Supersmart first. I've OKd with Brett and Goneril that they'll join with Neil as judges and the prize will be an OCC-enabled Blackberry. 100 lines for anyone who says anything about fruit.
FROM: Silesia Jones, Equality Consultant
TO: Reema Narlikar, Transformational Excellence Officer
Ree:
Rumour has it you're brilliant at this Supersmart thing. I can't get the hang of it and although Mavis is still around, she's spending most of her time making paper aeroplanes because apparently she's got a job in airport security at West Anglia Airport. Could you possibly drop round?
Grovelling thanks
Sile
To be ongoing...
FROM: Conor O'Connor, Director of Human Resources Development
TO: All Directors
Colleagues:
In order to implement the next step change in our transformational journey to a lean, multicapablity business, the internal review of administrative support has concluded that OCC can save at least 250K by abolishing all admin posts except for those attached to Directors. As officers become more agile and adept at multi-tasking, the traditional admin support role is increasingly redundant, which is what we're making them.
The step change footfall date is 31.3.2012.
FROM: Brett West, Head of Modernisation and Business Practice
TO: All Directors and Heads of Unit
cc: Goneril Hayes, Head of Information Management
In line with Conor's e-mail about the transformation of administrative officers, and with the Agile Stationary Strategy, Directors and Heads of Unit should be aware that from 23.3.2012 it will be incumbent on all directorates and units to manage procurement of all items without support of dedicated admin officers. Since nearly 20% of officers are already registered as Procurers with Supersmart, transiting should not be onerous. However, I draw your attention, for trickle-down, to the Supersmart Procurer Registration procedure and guidance briefing, both available under Business Services on the Infranet.
FROM: Hamish Carpenter, Transformational Excellence Manager
TO: Brett West
Brett:
Stationery, I think?
FROM: Dale Brashcon
TO: All Transformational Excellence
Wow! New challenges come thick and fast! Isn't it FUN!
The latest is making ourselves all experts in Supersmart so we can all order pens and conference rooms and sandwiches and consultancy work - if we need them, of course!
Lucy Leaman has come up with an especially exciting idea which I'm sure will have you all on the edge of your seats (if you still have seats - JOKE!) and it's this: we have a competition in Transformational Excellence to see who can become proficient at all levels of Supersmart first. I've OKd with Brett and Goneril that they'll join with Neil as judges and the prize will be an OCC-enabled Blackberry. 100 lines for anyone who says anything about fruit.
FROM: Silesia Jones, Equality Consultant
TO: Reema Narlikar, Transformational Excellence Officer
Ree:
Rumour has it you're brilliant at this Supersmart thing. I can't get the hang of it and although Mavis is still around, she's spending most of her time making paper aeroplanes because apparently she's got a job in airport security at West Anglia Airport. Could you possibly drop round?
Grovelling thanks
Sile
To be ongoing...
Monday, 26 November 2012
Odanglesex Revisited: The Agile Workers (3)
The last episode of how Oganglesex's employees became more agile, reposted and slightly changed.
FROM: Hilary Hannah, Human Resources Excellence Consultant
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
cc: Eustace Ojukwu, Human Resources Excellence Consultant
Kenneth: I attach the full report on TESV's piloting of an aspirational head:seat ratio within OCC's Agile Working Strategy. The summary report is as follows (please let me know if you'd like to raise any points before it goes to Ed and Cllr Wayneflete).
Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision has achieved the aspirational target of 1 seat to 2.51 heads within a challenging timescale. The actual ratio at the time of writing is 1:2.56. This demonstrates that the target is achievable across the Council. The achievement deserves congratulation.
However, the anticipated efficiency economies have not been attained: in fact, only 9.6% of the anticipated saving has been achieved to date. While power costs are down thanks to officers working from home and relying on home power supplies, none of the extra space vacated has generated income. To put it colloquially, other organisations don't want to be housed in County Hall. One VCS chief executive said his customers finding the organisation at County Hall would be "a lingering death" and then corrected himself to "not necessarily lingering". Unfortunately this ungenerous response is not untypical and all possible out-stations had already been closed, generating extra mileage expenses as officers had to travel to distant locations from County Hall.
Other difficulties include feedback by Callboysandgirls Call Centre that there has been a 72% increase in phones not being answered and low use of home computers and mobile devices because of Council security requirements. In particular, conversion of devices is taking an average five weeks, two days, seven hours, sixteen minutes and employees are showing marked reluctance to delete their existing home internet security in favour of the MaxiPlus Platinum Plated Worldwide Security package.
Feedback from employees is mixed. Many enthusiastically welcomed the opportunity to work from home more, but in some cases have been frustrated by internet security issues. A significant minority find the lack of a personal space at work disorienting and there are also a small number of reported problems in individuals achieving a positive working environment at home. One of these involved a keyboard being immobilised by baby sick. There have also been some problems, which are being investigated, of disability access issues being unresolved.
It is too early to tell whether the changeover has led to increased efficiency in TESV.
Hilary Hannah
Eustace Ojukwu.
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob
TO; Neil Balderson, Senior Transformational Excellence Manager
Neil: I'm not happy about this report. It needs some polishing before it goes to Ed and Bill Waynflete. Could you drop in asap for a brief discussion and then liaise with Hilary and Eustace?
FROM: Eustace Ojukwu
TO: Neil Balderson
Hi! Here's the revised version.
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob
TO: Edelbertha Spengler, Chief Executive
Ed: Here's the report from the HR consultants on our Agile Workers step change. The summary is as follows:
Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision has achieved the aspirational target of 1 seat to 2.51 heads within a challenging timescale. The actual ratio at the time of writing is 1:2.53. All employees are to be congratulated.
Savings of £539,000 pa can be projected if the savings pathway of the first months is projected till the year end. Energy costs are down and space within County Hall has been freed up. All working from home and in transit has been brought in line with Council security requirements and there have been no breeches.
A clear majority of TESV employees have welcomed the opportunity to become Agile and work more from home. A problem in a small number of cases of access difficulties to flexible working work stations has been addressed.
The transformation is on course to deliver greater efficiency and customer responsiveness.
Eustace Ojukwu
Hilary Hannah, Human Resources Excellence Consultants
FROM: Cllr Bill Wayneflete, Leader of the Council
TO; Edelbertha Spengler, Chief Executive
Ed: Thanks for the report on Agile Working. I'd like to raise two points.
First, unless our employees are trouserless, which does from personal observation apply to a minority but not to all, it should be "breaches", not "breeches".
Second, how does this Agile Workers thing tally with us doubling the charge to use the gym?
Bill
FROM: Hilary Hannah, Human Resources Excellence Consultant
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
cc: Eustace Ojukwu, Human Resources Excellence Consultant
Kenneth: I attach the full report on TESV's piloting of an aspirational head:seat ratio within OCC's Agile Working Strategy. The summary report is as follows (please let me know if you'd like to raise any points before it goes to Ed and Cllr Wayneflete).
Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision has achieved the aspirational target of 1 seat to 2.51 heads within a challenging timescale. The actual ratio at the time of writing is 1:2.56. This demonstrates that the target is achievable across the Council. The achievement deserves congratulation.
However, the anticipated efficiency economies have not been attained: in fact, only 9.6% of the anticipated saving has been achieved to date. While power costs are down thanks to officers working from home and relying on home power supplies, none of the extra space vacated has generated income. To put it colloquially, other organisations don't want to be housed in County Hall. One VCS chief executive said his customers finding the organisation at County Hall would be "a lingering death" and then corrected himself to "not necessarily lingering". Unfortunately this ungenerous response is not untypical and all possible out-stations had already been closed, generating extra mileage expenses as officers had to travel to distant locations from County Hall.
Other difficulties include feedback by Callboysandgirls Call Centre that there has been a 72% increase in phones not being answered and low use of home computers and mobile devices because of Council security requirements. In particular, conversion of devices is taking an average five weeks, two days, seven hours, sixteen minutes and employees are showing marked reluctance to delete their existing home internet security in favour of the MaxiPlus Platinum Plated Worldwide Security package.
Feedback from employees is mixed. Many enthusiastically welcomed the opportunity to work from home more, but in some cases have been frustrated by internet security issues. A significant minority find the lack of a personal space at work disorienting and there are also a small number of reported problems in individuals achieving a positive working environment at home. One of these involved a keyboard being immobilised by baby sick. There have also been some problems, which are being investigated, of disability access issues being unresolved.
It is too early to tell whether the changeover has led to increased efficiency in TESV.
Hilary Hannah
Eustace Ojukwu.
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob
TO; Neil Balderson, Senior Transformational Excellence Manager
Neil: I'm not happy about this report. It needs some polishing before it goes to Ed and Bill Waynflete. Could you drop in asap for a brief discussion and then liaise with Hilary and Eustace?
FROM: Eustace Ojukwu
TO: Neil Balderson
Hi! Here's the revised version.
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob
TO: Edelbertha Spengler, Chief Executive
Ed: Here's the report from the HR consultants on our Agile Workers step change. The summary is as follows:
Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision has achieved the aspirational target of 1 seat to 2.51 heads within a challenging timescale. The actual ratio at the time of writing is 1:2.53. All employees are to be congratulated.
Savings of £539,000 pa can be projected if the savings pathway of the first months is projected till the year end. Energy costs are down and space within County Hall has been freed up. All working from home and in transit has been brought in line with Council security requirements and there have been no breeches.
A clear majority of TESV employees have welcomed the opportunity to become Agile and work more from home. A problem in a small number of cases of access difficulties to flexible working work stations has been addressed.
The transformation is on course to deliver greater efficiency and customer responsiveness.
Eustace Ojukwu
Hilary Hannah, Human Resources Excellence Consultants
FROM: Cllr Bill Wayneflete, Leader of the Council
TO; Edelbertha Spengler, Chief Executive
Ed: Thanks for the report on Agile Working. I'd like to raise two points.
First, unless our employees are trouserless, which does from personal observation apply to a minority but not to all, it should be "breaches", not "breeches".
Second, how does this Agile Workers thing tally with us doubling the charge to use the gym?
Bill
Friday, 23 November 2012
That can't be a coincidence...
Men are supposed to approach tasks single-mindedly, bludgeoning them until they die (the task or the man) while women keep several balls (of the shiny, coloured sort) in the air at the same time and multi-task.
Actually, I like multi-tasking. I even read two or three books at the same time (not at precisely the same time, but almost: on a train journey or in a waiting-room I'll read two or three pages of book A and then switch to book B). I was doing this on a train yesterday. The two books were Margaret Attwood's "The Handmaid's Tale" and David Nobbs' "It Had to Be You". I read a couple of pages of Attwood: the Commander asked the Handmaid to play scrabble with him and she did. I picked up the Nobbs. James, having been drinking a lot, disappointed his girlfriend and they played scrabble instead.
WAS THIS A MESSAGE?
Of course not. There are endless possibilities of such coincidences occurring between two books. It might have been playing chess, thinking about an accident with some paint, realising you've acquired a flea, remembering a performance of a Bruckner symphony, farting, meeting someone from Ecuador, eating bland cheese...or, indeed, farting at a Bruckner concert with someone from Ecuador after eating bland cheese.
Funny, even so.
Actually, I like multi-tasking. I even read two or three books at the same time (not at precisely the same time, but almost: on a train journey or in a waiting-room I'll read two or three pages of book A and then switch to book B). I was doing this on a train yesterday. The two books were Margaret Attwood's "The Handmaid's Tale" and David Nobbs' "It Had to Be You". I read a couple of pages of Attwood: the Commander asked the Handmaid to play scrabble with him and she did. I picked up the Nobbs. James, having been drinking a lot, disappointed his girlfriend and they played scrabble instead.
WAS THIS A MESSAGE?
Of course not. There are endless possibilities of such coincidences occurring between two books. It might have been playing chess, thinking about an accident with some paint, realising you've acquired a flea, remembering a performance of a Bruckner symphony, farting, meeting someone from Ecuador, eating bland cheese...or, indeed, farting at a Bruckner concert with someone from Ecuador after eating bland cheese.
Funny, even so.
Monday, 19 November 2012
Odanglesex Revisited: The Agile Workers (2)
Back to that exemplar local authority, Odanglesex County Council, and its Agile Workers - another reposted adventure with maybe a few subtle changes.
Odanglesex County Council wants agile, flexible workers and has set a target head:seat ratio. How are they getting on?
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
TO: Hamish Carpenter, Transformational Excellence Manager
Hamish - could you drop into my office at 3:30 to discuss our response to the Intelligent Procurement draft?
FROM: Hamish Carpenter
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob
Kenneth: slight problem. I'm working from home to help reach our flexible working target. I could only drop into your office if I left immediately to catch the train.
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob
TO: Hamish Carpenter
Great. Really appreciate it. See you.
FROM: Melina Dunkley, Human Resources Excellence Advisor
TO: Dale Brashcon, Senior Transformational Excellence Champion
Dale: My fly-on-the-wall monitoring of your unit's flexible working performance raised just a few issues, as follows:
(1): High proportion of phones not being answered (61%). When phones not the employee's own were picked up, the employee often did not know whose phone it was and was not au fait with that officer's business.
(2): Competition over storage spaces has left Scott Fitzwilliam, who was on leave during the changeover, without any personal space and he is currently sharing Reema Narlikar's personal space.
(3): One keyboard with broken legs and a deficient tab key has been migrating around the room for three weeks as anyone finding him/herself in front of it is moving it to whatever work station is unoccupied.
(4): Set-up times are mostly within HR's target, but vary considerably. Some tasks are common - for example, entering the digits necessary to activate the phone, adjusting the chair, computer set-up and repositioning any hard copy resources needed from storage to desk; but some are not essential. Henry Donaldson has the longest average set-up in your unit, at 10:16, and a significant element in this at 1:52 is locating his photos of his wife and children in his briefcase and transferring them to the desk.
ED'S JOB - the Chief Executive's blog
Hi! It's me again!
We all have dear loved ones we like to keep in mind. If you don't, well, I expect you've got a cat or a hyacinth. I've got a husband, three children, a dog, a cat, an aged mother and a tortoise, but I haven't got a hyacinth.
Life isn't just about work. We need to reserve a space for personal relations, as I do.
However, when we're working towards the marvellous, lean, proactive, holistic future we all see for Odanglesex County Council, we do all need to keep our minds on the job. That's why I'm sure you'll understand the new rule banning all personal photos from County Hall. However, I know some people may find this hard and I do feel for them, so the attached instructions will enable you to print off pictures of the Chairman of the Council, the Leader or myself or that wonderful photo of myself and Odanglesex's favourite comedian Sammie Drivell hugging and place them in the frames we're providing so these will be a permanent feature of your workstations.
I'm really looking forward to getting mine! Cheerio.
The third and last episode of Agile Workers will see a much-anticipated report written for Councillor Wayneflete...
Odanglesex County Council wants agile, flexible workers and has set a target head:seat ratio. How are they getting on?
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
TO: Hamish Carpenter, Transformational Excellence Manager
Hamish - could you drop into my office at 3:30 to discuss our response to the Intelligent Procurement draft?
FROM: Hamish Carpenter
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob
Kenneth: slight problem. I'm working from home to help reach our flexible working target. I could only drop into your office if I left immediately to catch the train.
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob
TO: Hamish Carpenter
Great. Really appreciate it. See you.
FROM: Melina Dunkley, Human Resources Excellence Advisor
TO: Dale Brashcon, Senior Transformational Excellence Champion
Dale: My fly-on-the-wall monitoring of your unit's flexible working performance raised just a few issues, as follows:
(1): High proportion of phones not being answered (61%). When phones not the employee's own were picked up, the employee often did not know whose phone it was and was not au fait with that officer's business.
(2): Competition over storage spaces has left Scott Fitzwilliam, who was on leave during the changeover, without any personal space and he is currently sharing Reema Narlikar's personal space.
(3): One keyboard with broken legs and a deficient tab key has been migrating around the room for three weeks as anyone finding him/herself in front of it is moving it to whatever work station is unoccupied.
(4): Set-up times are mostly within HR's target, but vary considerably. Some tasks are common - for example, entering the digits necessary to activate the phone, adjusting the chair, computer set-up and repositioning any hard copy resources needed from storage to desk; but some are not essential. Henry Donaldson has the longest average set-up in your unit, at 10:16, and a significant element in this at 1:52 is locating his photos of his wife and children in his briefcase and transferring them to the desk.
ED'S JOB - the Chief Executive's blog
Hi! It's me again!
We all have dear loved ones we like to keep in mind. If you don't, well, I expect you've got a cat or a hyacinth. I've got a husband, three children, a dog, a cat, an aged mother and a tortoise, but I haven't got a hyacinth.
Life isn't just about work. We need to reserve a space for personal relations, as I do.
However, when we're working towards the marvellous, lean, proactive, holistic future we all see for Odanglesex County Council, we do all need to keep our minds on the job. That's why I'm sure you'll understand the new rule banning all personal photos from County Hall. However, I know some people may find this hard and I do feel for them, so the attached instructions will enable you to print off pictures of the Chairman of the Council, the Leader or myself or that wonderful photo of myself and Odanglesex's favourite comedian Sammie Drivell hugging and place them in the frames we're providing so these will be a permanent feature of your workstations.
I'm really looking forward to getting mine! Cheerio.
The third and last episode of Agile Workers will see a much-anticipated report written for Councillor Wayneflete...
Monday, 12 November 2012
Odanglesex Revisited: The Agile Workers (1)
Back to reposting slightly improved - or worsened - Odanglesex County Council adventures - this one on Agile Working!
FROM: Simeon Lascelles, Director of Spatial Exploration and Direction Management
TO: All Directors
cc: Edelbertha Spengler, Chief Executive
Colleagues:
AGILE WORKING
A recent study by Gomez Pertwee Associates shows that the seat/head ratio in local government can be reduced to 1:2.93 recurring without impacting in a negative direction of travel on service delivery standard attainment levels. We currently stand at 1:1.41. Ed has asked me to task you all with producing business plans by the month end to reduce your head/seat ratios to at least 1:2.43 recurring. Cllr Wayneflete is showing a personal interest in this issue.
I attach a presentation by Gert Offenbach of Gomez Pertwee to a recent seminar in Bruges. Conor (on Human Resources Development's contribution) and I will be happy to field any queries as appropriate.
Simeon
FROM: Magog Jones, Director of Transportation and Settlement
TO: Simeon Lascelles
Simeon, could we have that presentation in English, please? My Serbo-Croat is a bit rusty.
Most of us have one head, one seat.
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
TO: All Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
These are interesting times - exciting times, indeed, and I know you all share my excitement at the opportunity to beacon our enthusiasm for agile working in TESV so that our transformational pilot can be showcased across OCC and the public services commissioning community worldwide as a directional excellence exemplar.
We all know that agile workers are the future. We need to bring the future forward to the present. This is not just about Flexible Working, important though that is. Instead of the static employee tied to a one to one relationship with an inflexible workspace, we can embrace innovatory work delivery modes such as working from home, maximising use of agile equipment such as the Blackberry and Smartphone and flexible workspace management within office usage parameters.
Yesterday at the Heads of Units meeting we looked at some of the ways we can leap ahead on agile working and I am confident that this Directorate is not only going to meet the corporate target of 1:2.43 recurring with all mileposts, but exceed it. We've therefore agreed for TESV a target of 1:2.51 and I'm looking forward to meeting with Simeon and his team on Friday to materialise specifics.
FROM: Magog Jones
TO: Alex Knollys, Head of Transportational Direction Management
Alex:
As your lot are on the road most of the time, and when they're not, don't need to sit at desks much, and I've checked with Spatial Exploration that for the purposes of the dreaded ratio, vehicle seats don't count, you've no need to worry because you've hit the target already.
(Now how is the authority's seat reduction strategy going to work out in practice? All will in due course be revealed...)
FROM: Simeon Lascelles, Director of Spatial Exploration and Direction Management
TO: All Directors
cc: Edelbertha Spengler, Chief Executive
Colleagues:
AGILE WORKING
A recent study by Gomez Pertwee Associates shows that the seat/head ratio in local government can be reduced to 1:2.93 recurring without impacting in a negative direction of travel on service delivery standard attainment levels. We currently stand at 1:1.41. Ed has asked me to task you all with producing business plans by the month end to reduce your head/seat ratios to at least 1:2.43 recurring. Cllr Wayneflete is showing a personal interest in this issue.
I attach a presentation by Gert Offenbach of Gomez Pertwee to a recent seminar in Bruges. Conor (on Human Resources Development's contribution) and I will be happy to field any queries as appropriate.
Simeon
FROM: Magog Jones, Director of Transportation and Settlement
TO: Simeon Lascelles
Simeon, could we have that presentation in English, please? My Serbo-Croat is a bit rusty.
Most of us have one head, one seat.
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
TO: All Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
These are interesting times - exciting times, indeed, and I know you all share my excitement at the opportunity to beacon our enthusiasm for agile working in TESV so that our transformational pilot can be showcased across OCC and the public services commissioning community worldwide as a directional excellence exemplar.
We all know that agile workers are the future. We need to bring the future forward to the present. This is not just about Flexible Working, important though that is. Instead of the static employee tied to a one to one relationship with an inflexible workspace, we can embrace innovatory work delivery modes such as working from home, maximising use of agile equipment such as the Blackberry and Smartphone and flexible workspace management within office usage parameters.
Yesterday at the Heads of Units meeting we looked at some of the ways we can leap ahead on agile working and I am confident that this Directorate is not only going to meet the corporate target of 1:2.43 recurring with all mileposts, but exceed it. We've therefore agreed for TESV a target of 1:2.51 and I'm looking forward to meeting with Simeon and his team on Friday to materialise specifics.
FROM: Magog Jones
TO: Alex Knollys, Head of Transportational Direction Management
Alex:
As your lot are on the road most of the time, and when they're not, don't need to sit at desks much, and I've checked with Spatial Exploration that for the purposes of the dreaded ratio, vehicle seats don't count, you've no need to worry because you've hit the target already.
(Now how is the authority's seat reduction strategy going to work out in practice? All will in due course be revealed...)
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Odanglesex Revisited: Vital Statistics (3)
The conclusion of the reposted adventure of Odanglesex County Council and the Statistical Unit. This is of course fiction. Fact is stranger than fiction.
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
TO: Edelbertha Spengler, Chief Executive
cc: Conor O'Connor, Director of Human Resources Development
Ed:
Transportation and Settlement are arguing, perhaps a little combatively, that our new Statistical Unit overlaps with the Statistical Services and Processes function currently placed in that directorate under Neville Potts. It is clear that our statistical work needs direction management and a coherent approach to deliver the Council's objectives.
Would you agree that the following would be the best way of resolving this little problem?
* A new post of Head of Statistical Strategy and Numerological Transformation be created on K2(P2), one grade above Margot Outforle's current post and two above Neville Potts', the position to be advertised internally;
* The current posts held by Margot and Neville to be abolished and a post of Assistant Head to be created at K2(P1);
* The two units be combined under the leadership of the new Head of SS and NT with the loss of one K2(MO3);
* The new unit to be placed in the Chief Executive's unit and to be line managed by myself in my role as Assistant Chief Executive and not as Director of TE&SV?
FROM: Edelbertha Spengler
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob
Kenneth: Conor thinks we could shave off a K2(M4) as well. Otherwise, fine.
FROM: Conor O'Connor
TO: Edelbertha Spengler
Ed: Sorry you couldn't get back in time from the Local Government Excellence in Transformation Awards ceremony because of choppy water in the Solent. Just to let you know that the panel offered the post of Head of Statistical Strategy and Numerological Transformation to Margot Outforle and she has accepted. Neville Potts has turned down the Assistant post and is taking voluntary redundancy: we will need to reinstate the process to appoint to that post.
There wasn't much between the two of them on written applications or interview, but Margot won heads down on the presentational task. As you'll recall, it was to present a report on "Odanglesex in 2030: a Statistical Approach". Margot's demonstration of the implications of a continued increase at the current rate of golf courses was very well received. Neville, by contrast, lost marks by discounting statistics from Spamby Island on the grounds that climate change would have resulted in its disappearance by 2030, since Councillor Sillitoe-Heald pointed out that our official position is that climate change is a statistical blip; and his projection of the numbers of Bangladeshis leaving Wenham to settle in Odanglesex was vigorously disputed by Councillor Broadthwaite in terms he really had no answer to.
Councillor Broadthwaite was also concerned that Neville's calculation of his likelihood of being a car thief came out at 2.25%, 0.55% higher than the result from Scunthorpeshire. He asked, "Are you saying that if there were fifty Adam Broadthwaites, one of them would be a car thief?". Neville's reply was, "No, councillor. Almost certainly something in the region of nought to five, though." Enough said.
Conor
FROM: Edelbertha Spengler
TO: Margot Outforle
Margot - congrats on your new job! Could you do a guest blog next week - perhaps with some interesting statistics that would be meaningful to most of our employees? Say anything you like, starting with how excited you are to be taking on your new responsibilities and what a wonderful place to work Odanglesex County Council is.
Ed.
FROM: Kenneth Spotlessnob, Assistant Chief Executive and Director of Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision
TO: Edelbertha Spengler, Chief Executive
cc: Conor O'Connor, Director of Human Resources Development
Ed:
Transportation and Settlement are arguing, perhaps a little combatively, that our new Statistical Unit overlaps with the Statistical Services and Processes function currently placed in that directorate under Neville Potts. It is clear that our statistical work needs direction management and a coherent approach to deliver the Council's objectives.
Would you agree that the following would be the best way of resolving this little problem?
* A new post of Head of Statistical Strategy and Numerological Transformation be created on K2(P2), one grade above Margot Outforle's current post and two above Neville Potts', the position to be advertised internally;
* The current posts held by Margot and Neville to be abolished and a post of Assistant Head to be created at K2(P1);
* The two units be combined under the leadership of the new Head of SS and NT with the loss of one K2(MO3);
* The new unit to be placed in the Chief Executive's unit and to be line managed by myself in my role as Assistant Chief Executive and not as Director of TE&SV?
FROM: Edelbertha Spengler
TO: Kenneth Spotlessnob
Kenneth: Conor thinks we could shave off a K2(M4) as well. Otherwise, fine.
FROM: Conor O'Connor
TO: Edelbertha Spengler
Ed: Sorry you couldn't get back in time from the Local Government Excellence in Transformation Awards ceremony because of choppy water in the Solent. Just to let you know that the panel offered the post of Head of Statistical Strategy and Numerological Transformation to Margot Outforle and she has accepted. Neville Potts has turned down the Assistant post and is taking voluntary redundancy: we will need to reinstate the process to appoint to that post.
There wasn't much between the two of them on written applications or interview, but Margot won heads down on the presentational task. As you'll recall, it was to present a report on "Odanglesex in 2030: a Statistical Approach". Margot's demonstration of the implications of a continued increase at the current rate of golf courses was very well received. Neville, by contrast, lost marks by discounting statistics from Spamby Island on the grounds that climate change would have resulted in its disappearance by 2030, since Councillor Sillitoe-Heald pointed out that our official position is that climate change is a statistical blip; and his projection of the numbers of Bangladeshis leaving Wenham to settle in Odanglesex was vigorously disputed by Councillor Broadthwaite in terms he really had no answer to.
Councillor Broadthwaite was also concerned that Neville's calculation of his likelihood of being a car thief came out at 2.25%, 0.55% higher than the result from Scunthorpeshire. He asked, "Are you saying that if there were fifty Adam Broadthwaites, one of them would be a car thief?". Neville's reply was, "No, councillor. Almost certainly something in the region of nought to five, though." Enough said.
Conor
FROM: Edelbertha Spengler
TO: Margot Outforle
Margot - congrats on your new job! Could you do a guest blog next week - perhaps with some interesting statistics that would be meaningful to most of our employees? Say anything you like, starting with how excited you are to be taking on your new responsibilities and what a wonderful place to work Odanglesex County Council is.
Ed.
Monday, 22 October 2012
Odanglesex Revisited: Vital Statistics (2)
Continuing reposted Odanglesex adventures with a few tweaks.
The story so far: Councillor Broadthwaite has been enormously impressed by the Statistical Unit in Scunthorpeshire County Council and has persuaded Kenneth Spotlessnob to set one up in Odanglesex.
FROM: Hamish Carpenter, Transformational Excellence Manager
TO: Silesia Jones, Equality Consultant
Silesia - I see you got the same e-mail I did from someone called Margot Outforle, Head of the Statistical Unit. Did you know we had a Statistical Unit? Seems it's in Neil's empire. I'll ask Kenneth, but wondered if you were more in the know. Seeing that you and I already do a lot of statistical work, as do some members of my team such as Mike Hicks, I'm puzzled Kenneth thought this necessary. Also puzzled by her statistics. Seems very likely that the high proportion of deaths in Moat ward, Oldchester is down to the fact there's an acute hospital there. Not that hospitals kill people, of course, not most of the time.
FROM: Neville Potts, Statistical Processes and Services Manager
TO: Margot Outforle, Head of Statistical Unit
Margot:
Don Warne copied me an e-mail copied to him by Dan Ahmed about meetings of a Statistical Priority Directional Signposting Working Group which it appears you lead. Can I check the accuracy of the following:
(1): You're Head of the Statistical Unit in Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision;
(2): This unit's remit covers all the Council's work;
(3): The purpose of the Working Group is to set priorities for all the Council's statistical work;
(4): The Working Group has held three meetings and is about to hold a fourth;
(5): The Statistical Unit in Transportation and Settlement, which I head, and which was given responsibility for cross-council statistical work in September 2009, has not been informed of or invited to the meetings?
FROM: Margot Outforle
TO: Neville Potts
Neville:
Sorry about the delay. Can you make the Working Group meeting tomorrow at 2:30 in ES12A? Delighted if you can come.
To be continued and concluded...
The story so far: Councillor Broadthwaite has been enormously impressed by the Statistical Unit in Scunthorpeshire County Council and has persuaded Kenneth Spotlessnob to set one up in Odanglesex.
FROM: Hamish Carpenter, Transformational Excellence Manager
TO: Silesia Jones, Equality Consultant
Silesia - I see you got the same e-mail I did from someone called Margot Outforle, Head of the Statistical Unit. Did you know we had a Statistical Unit? Seems it's in Neil's empire. I'll ask Kenneth, but wondered if you were more in the know. Seeing that you and I already do a lot of statistical work, as do some members of my team such as Mike Hicks, I'm puzzled Kenneth thought this necessary. Also puzzled by her statistics. Seems very likely that the high proportion of deaths in Moat ward, Oldchester is down to the fact there's an acute hospital there. Not that hospitals kill people, of course, not most of the time.
FROM: Neville Potts, Statistical Processes and Services Manager
TO: Margot Outforle, Head of Statistical Unit
Margot:
Don Warne copied me an e-mail copied to him by Dan Ahmed about meetings of a Statistical Priority Directional Signposting Working Group which it appears you lead. Can I check the accuracy of the following:
(1): You're Head of the Statistical Unit in Transformational Excellence and Strategic Vision;
(2): This unit's remit covers all the Council's work;
(3): The purpose of the Working Group is to set priorities for all the Council's statistical work;
(4): The Working Group has held three meetings and is about to hold a fourth;
(5): The Statistical Unit in Transportation and Settlement, which I head, and which was given responsibility for cross-council statistical work in September 2009, has not been informed of or invited to the meetings?
FROM: Margot Outforle
TO: Neville Potts
Neville:
Sorry about the delay. Can you make the Working Group meeting tomorrow at 2:30 in ES12A? Delighted if you can come.
To be continued and concluded...
Thursday, 18 October 2012
Odanglesex Revisited: Vital Statistics (1)
Thanks to Kenneth Spotlessnob having momentarily sat on his multi-enabled phone, enabling a recording device, and then later his slight mistake in copying the recording to an ex-employee, we are able to eavesdrop on a conversation between men of power and standing.
Councillor Broadthwaite: "Ah, Kenneth. I want to talk to you about my visit to Scunthorpeshire. They have some absolutely amazing stuff there."
Kenneth Spotlessnob: "Oh, right. Excellent. What's that, councillor?"
Cllr Broadthwaite: "Fantastic security-controlled car-park, for a start. But they've got a Statistical Unit that can do just amazing things - makes us look like cavemen. And cavewomen, of course."
Kenneth Spotlessnob: "Oh, right. Like what?"
Cllr Broadthwaite: "Councillor Butterfield, I suppose."
Kenneth Spotlessnob: "No, excuse me, I was unclear. I meant to ask what statistical functions they could do."
Cllr Broadthwaite: "Ah. Well, for a start, they showed me how they could feed a lot of information about me into the computer and out came a prediction in less than a minute of how likely I was to be a car thief!"
Kenneth Spotlessnob: "Gosh. How likely are you?"
Cllr Broadthwaite: "Only 1.7% with some twiddly bits."
Kenneth Spotlessnob: "Parameters of significance."
Cllr Broadthwaite: "It was very reassuring, I can tell you. Now just imagine if we could do that for every resident of Odanglesex, not only for being a car thief, but being a good parent, needing home helps, reading dirty books, voting Conservative...and other stuff too. Why don't we have a unit like that?"
Kenneth Spotlessnob: "Interesting, but...."
Cllr Broadthwaite: "I'm going to speak to Bill Wayneflete about it."
Kenneth Spotlessnob: "By all means, councillor, but I can take action on this with your approval."
Cllr Broadthwaite: "Wonderful. Fancy a beer?"
So the Statistical Unit is created. In Part 2 we will see the consequences...
Councillor Broadthwaite: "Ah, Kenneth. I want to talk to you about my visit to Scunthorpeshire. They have some absolutely amazing stuff there."
Kenneth Spotlessnob: "Oh, right. Excellent. What's that, councillor?"
Cllr Broadthwaite: "Fantastic security-controlled car-park, for a start. But they've got a Statistical Unit that can do just amazing things - makes us look like cavemen. And cavewomen, of course."
Kenneth Spotlessnob: "Oh, right. Like what?"
Cllr Broadthwaite: "Councillor Butterfield, I suppose."
Kenneth Spotlessnob: "No, excuse me, I was unclear. I meant to ask what statistical functions they could do."
Cllr Broadthwaite: "Ah. Well, for a start, they showed me how they could feed a lot of information about me into the computer and out came a prediction in less than a minute of how likely I was to be a car thief!"
Kenneth Spotlessnob: "Gosh. How likely are you?"
Cllr Broadthwaite: "Only 1.7% with some twiddly bits."
Kenneth Spotlessnob: "Parameters of significance."
Cllr Broadthwaite: "It was very reassuring, I can tell you. Now just imagine if we could do that for every resident of Odanglesex, not only for being a car thief, but being a good parent, needing home helps, reading dirty books, voting Conservative...and other stuff too. Why don't we have a unit like that?"
Kenneth Spotlessnob: "Interesting, but...."
Cllr Broadthwaite: "I'm going to speak to Bill Wayneflete about it."
Kenneth Spotlessnob: "By all means, councillor, but I can take action on this with your approval."
Cllr Broadthwaite: "Wonderful. Fancy a beer?"
So the Statistical Unit is created. In Part 2 we will see the consequences...
Sunday, 14 October 2012
The true meaning of words
The internet is well-supplied with useful, clear and sometimes witty explanations of what words mean. Some of these concentrate on distinguishing words with similar spelling or sound but different meaning. Most of these sites seem to be American. This could be because most wise English language wordsters are American or because most people making silly mistakes with English are American. Probably both, given the population.
Well, here's my contribution.
SPECTACULAR: Wearing spectacles or possessing spectacles - "She looks spectacular".
UNSPECTACULAR: Not needing or not having with one a pair of spectacles - "I am unable to read this document because I am unspectacular".
MALEFACTOR: The certain something that defines masculinity or distinguishes the male from the female; the male pudenda - "Those running shorts won't hide your malefactor".
DISEMBARK: Remove the outer covering from a tree - "The deer are disembarking the trees".
RATIONAL: Restricted to small portions - "Food is rational here".
RATIONALIST: Someone who believes in restricting things to small, defined portions - "If you were a rationalist you wouldn't eat so much".
RECTITUDE: Having a posterior - "The Bishop is a man of enormous rectitude".
ALLEGATION: A group of crocodile-like reptiles - "That allegation will not go away".
ALLEGORY: A suitably-prepared place to keep crocodile-like reptiles - "You don't find dragons in an allegory".
SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION: Growing breasts naturally - "Anna was delighted she had spontaneously combusted".
FRIABLE: Suitable for cooking with oil - "Eggs are not friable unless you remove the shells".
MARINATE: Put something through a sailor - "Don't eat that - it's been marinated".
FASCINATE: Tie something up; become obsessed by uniforms, strong leadership and militaria - "Italians were fascinated by Mussolini".
Any additions?
Well, here's my contribution.
SPECTACULAR: Wearing spectacles or possessing spectacles - "She looks spectacular".
UNSPECTACULAR: Not needing or not having with one a pair of spectacles - "I am unable to read this document because I am unspectacular".
MALEFACTOR: The certain something that defines masculinity or distinguishes the male from the female; the male pudenda - "Those running shorts won't hide your malefactor".
DISEMBARK: Remove the outer covering from a tree - "The deer are disembarking the trees".
RATIONAL: Restricted to small portions - "Food is rational here".
RATIONALIST: Someone who believes in restricting things to small, defined portions - "If you were a rationalist you wouldn't eat so much".
RECTITUDE: Having a posterior - "The Bishop is a man of enormous rectitude".
ALLEGATION: A group of crocodile-like reptiles - "That allegation will not go away".
ALLEGORY: A suitably-prepared place to keep crocodile-like reptiles - "You don't find dragons in an allegory".
SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION: Growing breasts naturally - "Anna was delighted she had spontaneously combusted".
FRIABLE: Suitable for cooking with oil - "Eggs are not friable unless you remove the shells".
MARINATE: Put something through a sailor - "Don't eat that - it's been marinated".
FASCINATE: Tie something up; become obsessed by uniforms, strong leadership and militaria - "Italians were fascinated by Mussolini".
Any additions?
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